The Year in Bad Movies: 2013

As per our tradition that we started last year, we will count down the worst movies we have seen this year, with 2013 releases as well as movies we saw on DVD and classic B-movies.

2013 Releases:

Something demonic is going to go down.

Something demonic is going to go down.

Alpha Girls
Director: Tony Trov and Johnny Zito
Starring: Ron Jeremy

Alpha Girls is a movie where I’m legitimately embarrassed to even admit I’ve seen it. The self-billed Satanic Sorority Slasher about a haunted sorority house promises babes and blood. Already, that’s not something that’s to my taste, but I take more issue with the uneven script filled with movie references that basically served no purpose and the laughable performances from most of the cast. Ironically, one area where the movie really stumbled was a lack of real gratuitousness; the only nudity came from an someone we see for all of 2 minutes at the beginning, played by an actress who probably very badly needed some exposure (no pun intended), and stumbled onto the set of Alpha Girls, a movie that desperately needed a selling point. Much of the movie went by without a single drop of blood being spilled. While I am an early 20-something that does appreciate some good eye candy, that was nowhere near enough of a distraction for me to get through the movie and actually enjoy it. Maybe a guy closer to 40 experiencing a midlife crisis and with a fetish for pink schoolgirl uniforms might enjoy it more.

Ethan Hawke here to save the day (or not)!

Ethan Hawke here to save the day (or not)!

The Purge
Director: James DeMonaco
Starring: Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey

I quote my original review when I say The Purge is what results when you combine the smarmy pseudo-intellectuality of Aparna Sen, the manipulative political correctness of Precious, and a dash of shock value a la Alpha Girls. The Purge, brought to us by the same people who made Paranormal Activity, set out to be a home invasion thriller taking place in a hypothetical dystopian future when there is a day every year where all crime is legal for 12 hours. It seemed like a neat idea on paper, except once the titular purge started, the movie had no idea what to do with itself. It even relied on a nameless hobo to serve as a deus ex machina when the movie ran out of ideas on how to keep itself going.

Movies on DVD:

Why yes, that is Siying Chen's right ear that you see.

Why yes, that is Siying Chen’s right ear that you see.

The Happening (2008)
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Zooey Deschanel’s eyes

The Happening is a movie which I suspect to simply be a symptom of director/writer M. Night Shyamalan’s downward spiral into insanity. It is the first time The Pop Culture Historian has ever featured a review that was a walkout after only 10 minutes. The writing was such that it made The Purge seem like Oscar-worthy material in comparison. It was the only time I actually got so bored during the opening credit sequence that I almost turned it off then. It was when I got to see the ordinarily drop-dead gorgeous (and talented) Zooey Deschanel constantly stare wide-eyed like a moron opposite Mark Wahlberg as the shittiest science teacher ever (and that’s saying something since my high school’s science teachers were pretty awful) that made me give up. John Leguizamo, who played a math teacher, seemed to be the only cast member (or anyone involved in this movie for that matter) who seemed to be trying.

Dom and Brian at it.

Dom and Brian at it.

The Fast and the Furious (2001)
Director: Rob Cohen
Starring: Paul Walker, Vin Diesel

Honestly, considering how bad the first movie was in the Fast and Furious franchise, I’m legitimately surprised the series has survived until now, though thankfully, Fast 4 onward, the series really began to go in the right direction. Like Alpha Girls, I guess it’s fair to say I simply wasn’t part of The Fast and the Furious’ target demographic (ie horny 15-year-olds). The absolutely embarrassing dialogue and cardboard cutout characters did nothing to help matters.

Brian's at it yet again!

Brian’s at it yet again!

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)
Director: John Singleton
Starring: Paul Walker, Tyrese Gibson

2 Fast 2 Furious was slightly better than the original. Slightly.




Classic B-Movies:

troll-2-oh-my-godTroll 2 (1990)
Director: Claudio Fragasso
Starring: Michael Stephenson, Darren Ewing

Besides the fact that it is possibly the most grossly misnamed movie ever, all I can say is this: